Mijn eerste kerst helemaal alleen, en dat is flink deprimerend.

My first Christmas all alone, and that is quite depressing.

My first Christmas all alone, and that is quite depressing.

This story in Dutch

For many years I have said that Christmas is not really my thing.
What do you need Christmas for?
A Christian child was born once and we are all going to celebrate that now.
My children are born, these days are not national holidays, are they?
In short, what do you have to do with Christmas dude.
A Christian party where a lot of money is earned in churches from the Christmas story.
And then also Cocal Cola (which I no longer drink after years of excessive drinking this!) That there,
how should I say it properly, has turned it into a commercial party.
Anything but the Christian aspect, which didn't bother me anyway.
Coca Cola has just viewed the real Sinterklaas story,
changed this figure to a kind of fairytale, which added other characteristics,
and Santa has an existence.
People are going to buy massive amounts of gifts, and that made Coca Cola, among others, very happy.

But then in the light of today's society,
As Zwarte Piet (black face) who is a friendly servant and a help from Sinterklaas,
would be racist because people camouflage themselves so that children cannot see who the person behind them really is. And yes, that is only possible with the black color, because black absoiled light.
therefore, lines of sight cannot be seen in the faces.
and then we make the story so that the black comes from the chimney.
But our Sinterklaas really existed.
Coca Cola, on the other hand, has a fantasy story in which people with a medical condition (the so-called elves) have to act as an attraction.
If black pete is racist because white people camouflage themselves black,
What is it then if people with a medical condition are used as an attraction?
In fact, Zwarte Piet is a servant, but an elf is a factory slave because he has to make toys. is it to be against Santa Claus and his elves the next hype?

You know what, let's leave this subject behind, because there are traditions,
and holidays should be just the way they are, plus this story is about something completely different, something much more important with much more personal value.

And with Christmas, oh well we are together, Christmas tree in the house, this beautifully decorated,
Good food and drink, and especially togetherness.
I cannot wish for more than that.
The only difference is that we put a little extra effort into it.
In short, Christmas? oh well, it's just another thing.

But then everything suddenly became serious.

Because that is how I have been at home with problems since 13 March 2019 (yes, my birthday).
Major problems namely PTSD (Post Traumtic Stress Disorder)
Yes, this is due to things from the past that were repeated at the beginning of 2019.
This has triggered a substantial so-called trigger and, yes, it went wrong.
In short, on my birthday I was at the doctor's, and he referred me to GGZ.
GGZ has waiting times that are absurdly long, and I was told that I was being helped fairly quickly.
Well, pretty soon, boy young boy.
Finally it comes from conversations, at the first conversation it was already clearly stated that it was PTSD,
this was of course already passed on by the doctor,
And after a few conversations, people thought, well, let's send the gentleman to the PTSD department.
In short, that also took longer than necessary.
The conversations that were needed to be able to start treatment therefore still had to begin.
Finally those conversations are there, and these were not really that you say wow what professional.
The core was only discussed in the last 5 minutes, and it was repeatedly said that the time for the interview was actually over.

Finally it would come from treatment.
it was 2 December 2019 and I went to GGZ for a discussion about a treatment plan.
Here it basically boiled down to putting myself in and making everything bigger than it actually was.
In short, GGZ was not the right party for me to continue.
Want to make it bigger than the facts actually are?
no the facts are impressive enough to me.
the worst part of all this is, I was afraid that this would happen from the beginning.

After leaving GGZ I come home and tell my life partner.
The love of my life hears this, and responds.
A little later she says that she is also bothered by something but it would be silly to tell this now after the damper I had already had today.
In all kindness I also try to remove some pressure from her by saying,
oh well, just tell it, because I don't want you to be left with your problem.

Honey, I decided not to continue with you in the relationship, Bianca said.

uhh what ?! but a fair chance then? and the family? togetherness?
In short, I have tried to convince Bianca on all fronts that I want to continue with her.
and that this is not a correct decision of hers.
we have communicated far too little, I have my problems and you have yours,
we have been together for 9 years, we have two daughters together of which one daughter died then,
then the dog that both of us .....
It all didn't matter anymore what I said.
Bianca slept the night at home, and then left.
Daughter was already at the address where the woman I love would go,
and on December 5, another conversation had to take place and also Bianca her things and our dog went with Bianca.

There I am.
Alone and lonely in a house where we were always together,
20 steps from a forest with heath where our dog and our daughter love to be,
No daily hug from our daughter,
no greeting from a dog,
and no kiss or hug or a sweet hello to the love of my life that I still love.

Every time I start a conversation, Bianca says:
I made my decision, and that's it.

I have now had my daughter with me for two hours on Saturdays.
trying to be a good father a little at home the first Saturday by playing along with anything and everything,
and the second Saturday to the so-called Ballorig where we both had a super successful day.

And I wanted to change so much about myself,
Both physically and in health and fitness,
but also spiritually and as in my actions.
I really wanted to be a new person.
Especially all this for my family!
This before Bianca left me.
And then she leaves me!
This is a figurative blow to my face. and a hard one too!
but Bianca, my feeling this and my feeling that, and why not relationship therapy? I haven't seen a relationship therapist yet.
and the 10 year itch (of which 7 years was first said)
We have been together for 9 years, it makes sense, everyone says it, we just have to be strong and keep going.

Bianca says: "I have made my decision, I feel free and better than ever."

but .. but ... we had an open relationship, moreover you could always do anything from me,
I have never stopped you from doing anything or wanting anything, so why not now free?
Then let's try again with a real chance.
Communicate what we have hardly done for a year and a half because you wanted to be alone and I had my own problems.
being together more, hanging out together and watching TV, etc
Let's link a term to it, July 2020? if it really doesn't work out that we can agree together?
we saw light at the end of the figurative tunnel.
stress would be less, financially it would be better, and I already wanted to change.

But Bianca really doesn't want anymore, she says.

Do I now realize that togetherness at Christmas was something extra special?
Because, this Christmas and New Year's Eve I will be alone and lonely.
My Christmas wish was clear, keep my family together!

Christmas wish? I hear you thinking
Yes Christmas wish!

But you had nothing to do with Christmas? will you think now
Apparently I only now realize the value of togetherness during these days that I previously described as normal.
and whether this is because I already wanted to change,
or because I already miss my family.

In short, I am alone at Christmas.
Lonely in a house where our family was always together.
A family where togetherness was normal,
a family where everyone felt I could and should be themselves,
a family where warmth in feeling was the most normal thing in the world,
a family where there was room to learn,
a family where loving was or would never be a problem,
a family where everyone knew what he or she had together,
a family that ran despite the stress,

The togetherness at Christmas is therefore even more special than it would normally be.
Because it is precisely then that you are together and show your true feeling.

But unfortunately I no longer.
I'm alone in a house where we once were.
I no longer see daughter daily,
Dog has left me,
and the love of my life that I still love with all my heart and soul,
yes that is gone too.

Christmas .....
Christmas .....
I now realize what Christmas should be,
But at the same time I also realize that if I don't have a family together this Christmas and New Year's Eve,
that Christmas is really over for me.
Christmas thought?
give me back my family and let's just go for it.
only then is it Christmas for me.
Let me be enchanted
Enchanted by the real Christmas atmosphere where our family will be together without problems.

But unfortunately this view is disturbed.
apparently I will never again be enchanted by Christmas.
my family has fallen apart,
Christmas i will be lonely and alone.

No money,
in debt,
no family together,
Teeth that is completely broken (by the past)
and I can cary on this list, but I will save you from it.

In short, I think it's better to say goodbye to Christmas.
I had little with it, I now realize more than ever before what it should mean,
But, the whole spell of that realization is completely broken now that my family is no longer together.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas,
Then at least you nice christmas.

Happy Holidays.